FLsldkfjgdd.

Today I was asked out by the nice, charming, relatively attractive guy I've been talking to for a month. I said yes. I'm not attracted to him at all. Plus, he's three years older than me and I've only seen him in person once.


So, loves, my question is this: Why do I do stupid things? And better, how can I stop?!
IN OTHER NEWS:

oh my FUCKING GOD

if you are a fucking god, let me tap this. 

please, god, please

i'l never do anything wrong again if you just let me tap this.

PLEASE.

*ahem*

sorrry about that. i'll just go... um.... make a cup of tea now. Yup, a cup of tea, yessir. that's all i'll do. mmhmm. 

"Dreams are as advice given by a very wise – very drunk – old man. A wealth of knowledge behind them, yes, but always, always to be treated with cynicism."




Curiously, 
--tee

Today's Playlist

For your listening pleasure:
1. Le Cafe- Odelaf et Monsieur D
2. I Belong To You/Mon Coeur S'ouvre A Ta Voix- Muse
3. Tire Swing- Kimya Dawson
4. Hysteria- Muse
5. Brand New Day- Neil Patrick Harris/Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog
6. Endlessly- Muse
7. Self Esteem- The Offspring
8. Hysteria- Muse
9. Summerboy- Lady Gaga
10. Starlight- Muse
11. Sure Fire Winners- Adam Lambert
12. Feeling Good- Muse
13. Mercy- Duffy
14. Undisclosed Desires- Muse
15. You Always Make Me Smile (Remix!)- Kyle Andrews
16. Time Is Running Out- Muse

Yes, it is half Muse songs. Why? Because Muse is awesome, Matthew Bellamy is awesome, Dominic Howard is awesome and the other guy is awesome. Plus, they're British. Yum.

forever and always,
--tee

My Summer, In A Tad More Detail

June-
Kicked ass; took finals. Nate and Opal got engaged. I turned (insert age here). Sealy and Lena moved out. Hung out with Bri a few times.

July-
Was bored. Wrote fanfiction. Listened to music. Hung out with Bri a few times.

August-
Nate and Opal moved in- Opal had gotten emancipated and needed a place, Nate had moved out but gotten kicked out of where he used to live. Lilly came up for a week! It was ridiculous amount of fun. We went to the beach, hung out with Sealy, Lena (Lilly didn't like Lena either, to my satisfaction), Nate and Opal, did some other things. In general, it was fun. Then I was bored. I helped Bri move into her new house, hung out with her a few times, then started school again. Yaaay.

September (technically not summer, but whatever)-
Went to school, saw Nick, Chelsea (Chrissy's sister), Chrissy, Bri, and the rest of my peeps. Lusted after Sam and Mr. G. Nate went to LCI (his college) and Opal moved out.

October-
Went to school, panicked over grades, nearly fainted while doing an oral presentation on HIV/AIDS, and lusted after Chris. Y'know, the usual.

Well, I must be off. People to do, things to see, you know the drill. Later, darlings!
--tee

Dear You,

If you're reading this, then you're awesome. Just so you know. 

You may be wondering what's been happening with me in the past six months after my last post, so I will inform you of just that.

I passed last year's classes. Opal and Nate got engaged, Nate went to college a few hundred miles south of us while Opal finishes up her senior year of high school, they're still together, though we're all taking bets on how long it will be before he cheats on her. He's kind of a manwhore. 

Lena and Sealy are still together. They live in an overpriced room in her aunt's house a few towns away while they both work and go to college. Lena is controlling Sealy and ruining his life, which is pissing me the fuck off, but whatever makes him happy. 

Bri and I are still best friends. I came out (to the people closest to me) as bisexual and became obsessed with the show Top Gear and the band Muse. 

My love life: I had a fling with Ross over the summer, which was good until he got clingy. While Nate and Opal were living with me (long story for another day) I slutted about (insert city here) with people I met at a Magic: The Gathering meeting. For the record, nerds are convinced they need to be really good at sexytimes for anyone to want to have sexytimes with them, so they do LOTS of research. It bodes well for their girlfriends, trust me.  I currently have thing for last year's history teacher, a popular boy we'll call Chris, and the head cheerleader, whom we'll call Sam. She's a she.  The only one I'm actually trying to be with is Chris, because Sam's straight and Mr G. would be statutory. DAMMIT.

Leo's girlfriend Jenna is now with Chad, and Leo's gone back to trying to get with freshmen. Honestly, I'd pity him if he wasn't still (yes, STILL, after a year) not talking to me, as per his parents' demands. Seriously, dude? Nut up or shut up.

Lists:

Things that are negative in my life:
1. My parents being sick
2. My weight
3. Hopes of relationships (or just straight-up sex; I'm cool with either) with a cheerleader, a popular boy and my teacher, none of which will come to fruition
4. Halloween- hanging out with my beloved skeevy people. If I get caught I'm seven kinds of dead
5. My math grade (abysmal)
6. the growing sensation that my creative writing course is killing my talent

Things that are positive in my life:
1. Friends, especially Bri and Lilly
2. My ridiculously hard to quash sense of hope
3. My taste in music
4. Social life: it's looking up
5. No oral presentations for at least two weeks
6. My laptop: key to home

Top Six Celebrity Crushes
1. Richard Hammond from Top Gear
2. Matthew Bellamy of Muse
3. Dianna Agron of Glee (yes, I watch it. I love it. It appeals to my inner gay man)
4. Paul Rudd
5. Ellen Page
6. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Well, that's today's entry. Feel the love. Mood: Silly Music: My Freeze Ray- Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog

TTFN. I'll post later this week, loves. 

<3, tee

My English Project

Part of my English project was modernizing Romeo and Juliet, then taking a character and using their perspective to summarize the story. I picked Benvolio.
WARNING- THIS IS UNDER THE CREATIVE COMMONS COPYRIGHT. Use and I will sue.

Benvolio’s Blog

    So, everyone, there’s been plenty of debate as to what happened at the Capulet cemetery a few days ago.
    One of the people who’s dead was kinda my best friend, and since one of the other people who died because of Romeo being a self centered prick was my other best friend, the Friar was kind enough to give me the details of what went down. Here it is:
    At that party we went to a few days ago, Romeo met Juliet. Some mutual flirting went on, they exchanged screennames and fell madly in love. It wasn’t till the next day that they talked online and realized that they’d get a bunch of people killed if they decided to go get married. They did it anyway.
    Apparently, Romeo had figured if they were married, the two families would be united and it’d be really hard for them to kill each other in good conscience. So, they met up with the friar and got married. The flaw in his plan was that the marriage was secret. Dumbass. Then Tybalt tried to whoop him for being at the party and Romeo was all “Dude, let’s not fight, I love you” and Tybalt thought he was making fun of him for those rumors about him and Balthasar that had been floating around forever, so he tried to kill him, which got Mercutio pissed, he attacked Tybalt and Tybalt attacked back, Romeo got in the way and Tybalt did this sneaky little stab that was big enough to kill Mercutio. One friend down, one to go. Oh yeah, then Romeo killed Tybalt, which got him banished.
    Problem was, Lady Capulet set up a surprise wedding for Juliet and her ex-fiance, Paris. (Lady Capulet had no clue about the ex part, however. Can’t say I blame her. That Juliet chick obviously wasn’t too good about letting people know who she was with.) Since Juliet didn’t want to cheat on her husband (even though she had no problem going from someone’s fiancee one day to someone else’s wife the next), the Friar set her up with this sleep-of-death potion that made everyone think she was dead. Which was really not cool of the Friar, since this was pretty much Juliet’s fault anyways, taking Romeo on the rebound like that. Whatever. Doesn’t make any difference now.
    Juliet got put in the Capulet crypt, Paris thought she was dead, and Friar Lawrence sent Romeo an email about how he had to come pick Juliet up from the crypt that night when the potion wore off. But Friar John was working on the WiFi network at the time, so Romeo never got the email. Balthasar had only heard the official story (that she was really dead), so he went and told Romeo that. Being the overemotional idiot he was, he went and bought some drugs to OD on off of that guy on High Street (yeah, a drug dealer on High Street, I know). He went to the crypt, but Paris was there, being a whiny little bitch as usual, saw Romeo, and had to fight with him because of the whole Capulets-hate-Montagues-Montagues-hate-Capulets thing. Romeo kicked his ass. Then Paris was all, “Lay me down with my love, blah blah blah,” before he died, so Romeo did. Although I seriously doubt he loved her. He must have done something pretty bad to make a clingy girl like her break up with him. Balthasar was eavesdropping, but he knew that Romeo’d kill himself one way or another. He and girls just don’t mix well.
    He went into the crypt, made out with the “dead” girl, and killed himself. Then Friar Lawrence popped in as Juliet woke up, and since he’s a man of the cloth and all, he couldn’t lie. He told her about Romeo and Paris being dead. Then something scared him, and he left. Juliet killed herself.
    I’m glad she’s dead. If she just acted like a normal Capulet, like she was above and beyond Romeo’s attention, then they’d all be alive. But no, she had to be all rebounding-clingy-looking-for-love. And she used Romeo. I know he wasn’t a saint, and that he was wicked blind when it came to girls, but I still think it’s her fault. He got over Rosaline, he could have gotten over her. But he won’t. He doesn’t get a chance to. He’s dead. So is Mercutio. But that’s more his fault, and Romeo’s. Mercutio shouldn’t have gotten involved, and Romeo shouldn’t have gotten between them. Mercutio’s death sucks, but it was an accident. Kind of my fault too, since I got Romeo to go to the party.
    I’m moving away from Verona. I’m going to college in Japan for a few years, then I might come back. I can’t stand staying here anymore. This is, officially, the end of the blog. Bye.
~~Benvolio

Like it? Love it? Tell me what you think. Criticise it, whatever!
~~Tee

Life, Love, Lust

Yes, I haven't posted in ages. I'm a busy, busy girl. There's been some drama going on (with me, when isn't there?!) so I've been preoccupied. And I've been trying my hand at some longer writing than blog posts, yet still trashy. Welcome me to the womderful world of fanfiction! :)
Bri and I got into a huge fight, I will not dish the deets as to why. We're friendly again now, but I'm keeping my distance. When I was away from her, I felt more confident than usual, better, prettier. I liked it. So we'll see how it goes. As it is, I won't be trusting her for quite a while. And no, I'm not overreacting.
Lena is wonderful. I trust her more than ever, and I will sincerely miss her when she graduates. Even though she does get me pissed sometimes.
Sealy is a good brother. Yay.
Nate and Opal are still going strong. He's planning on proposing to her this summer. I'm glad; they're perfect for each other. Plus, they're cute as a couple. :D
Lena's hot brother has friended me on Facebook and talked to me twice, for a good while each time. He initiated both conversations, which is a good sign :) and he told me he likes my eyes. It totally made my day. I felt gorgeous. Now whenever anyone says anything I relate it to something he says. BONUS: He and Lena aren't related by blood. So he's fair game. I mean, he was before, seeing as Sealy and Lena aren't married, but dating your brother's girlfriend's half-brother is just a tad too close to incest. But now I can get off scot-free. Pun intended. Since he's coming to the graduation sleepover tent party. Second pun intended.
I know this is not even halfway long enough to make up for all the posting I haven't been doing. But if you comment it makes me feel loved and want to write more. :)

Gracefully, gorgeously, generously,
Tee!

I Know, I'm Sorry...

I know I haven't been on here or posted anything in AGES, and I'm sorry. I've been wicked busy; with next to no time for sleep, least of all this. Sorry!

I've been working on the musical, as the sound effects/soundboard girl. We're doing Back To The 80's. Nate got me the position. We set all the stuff up a few weeks ago, now tomorrow night is opening night. WHAT IF I FORGET A CUE?! WHAT IF I DON'T DO THE CAMERA CLICK OR I FORGET TO RING THE SCHOOL BELL?! MS. SAUNDERS WILL KILL ME! Not like I'm freaking out or anything, though. It's not like the play isn't even till tomorrow night and as of NOW I already have butterflies in my stomach and can barely eat. School tomorrow will suck so hard... I'm not going to get any sleep tonight.... and I'm going to end up passing out from not eating. And I can smell the delicious corned beef and cabbage my mom's making in honor of St. Patrick's Day. Not being able to eat any without ralphing out of nerves is so saddening.
     Oh yeah, did I forget to tell you? My heart- stupid, impetuous thing it is- has finally decided it's over Nate. And has moved on to Corey. He's the narrator for the musical. He's cute when he smiles, but I can't really say he's handsome. He's very attractive, in a way I usually don't like. But it works for him. He's got a very sarcastic sense of humous and he's very warm. In the physical sense. I had to do his stage makeup for our audienced dress rehearsal yesterday, and his face was nice and warm. I'm sure my cold fingers were not very appealing. Anyways, Nate has taken it upon himself to hook me up with Corey. But again, there's an age difference, and the guy's all hung up about it. I like guys who're a bit older than me, and I don't care if you have a problem with that, people. Kthnxbye.
   Anyways, Corey told Nate that he also wants to get to know me better before asking me out or to prom (which Nate suggested) even though he likes me. No problem with me. Prom isn't till May. Although I will get impatient if he doesn't try to talk to me tomorrow. I made a fool of myself today by hitting Corey since he wasn't wearing green. God, I am SO STUPID. If that didn't completely convince him of my complete immaturity, then I'm golden. Yesterday, he was going to pick me up from rehearsal, but I'd already started walking, since I'd had no clue.

Anyways, any advice at ALL would be appreciated. No matter how big or how small. PLEASE! I really like this one.

Love y'all,
~~tee

YES, I do hate you.

Yes, I hate you. I hate all people who get things and then rub it in other people's faces.  Yeah, I'm guilty of it. I've done it. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm fucking sick of it.

I'm poor. Dirt poor. My family spends all our money on house payments, car repairs, heat and groceries. I haven't gone school clothes shopping in four years. Hell, I haven't bought more than three items of new clothing at once in four years! I haven't been to Sixx Flags, or California, or stayed in a hotel. I haven't gone to Martha's Vineyard or Cape Cod. I can't get Aeropostale or American Eagle or Hollister clothes. I can't go to concerts and plays and dances and games and birthday parties.  Why? Because I have no money. I can't AFFORD to go to the mall with you for a day because I won't be able to buy lunch, or a movie ticket, or anything more expensive than a Twix bar! I have NO MONEY. I can't take Driver's Ed, and I won't get a car for my sixteenth birthday, and I can't join the local sports team because I can't pay for the uniform! I won't be able to wear a new dress to my senior prom. I haven't had an actual birthday party since I was eight. All of this costs money, which I do not have. I wear clothes from thrift shops, hand me downs from my cousins and my brother. All my summer shorts? Made from jeans I had to cut because they didn't fit anymore, and then I have to spend the sumer praying for my grandma to buy me some new ones or I'll have to wear a skirt the rest of the year. I use generic shampoo and generic toilet paper and I drink generic soda and I eat store-brand cereal and cookies. I haven't had a brand new pair of shoes in four years. Last time I had a manicure I was nine.

I can't go to the concerts and plays and malls. And do you know how embarrassing it is to admit that? To tell my friends every time they have an idea of something to do "Guys, I can't. No money, remember?" To wear the same clothes, that are steadily getting shabbier, year after year?  To say, when everyone's talking about what they did over vacation, that I just stayed home, maybe slept over at Bri's a time or two? It's humiliating. And I hate it. Especially when everyone's talking about how Blahblah went to Florida and Shalala went to California and Deedeedee went to Switzerland.

I hate it.
~~tee

Um. Awkward? Possibly.

I'm trying not to be narcissistic. This may sound like it is.... but it's simply intuition.
There's this guy. He's a friend. Not a close friend, but we have a few inside jokes, and we're silly with each other. He moved a year or so ago, and I miss him. We're Facebook friends. We talk on occasion. And we make silly comments on each other's posts.
Today, I wrote a post in French, and it said something like "I'm going to act like a ditz and post it on here, cuz, like, everything is waaaay cooler in French, so I'm going to, like, post it in French, so I can sound like a smartie for once! Yay!"
The friend used an online translator, translated it, and said something along the lines of "Ha! Your plan has been foiled with the help of Google Translator!"
Then he posted something in Spanish, the language he's taking. I translated it and it said "Yes, today was fine, but ... Nothing special happened, I mean I loved still ignored me ... And I really do not think she will get it through your thick skull that I love...." 
that's how the online translator translated it. And since he posted it not even 30 seconds after talking to me, and also in another language, I have a feeling it's about me. Maybe I'm just creating drama. Oh well. It's kinda what I do. 

But I like him, in a friendly way, and I don't know if I should go out with him (assuming he offers, which is a conceited assumption) because I would not want to ruin that. Plus, dating friends hasn't worked out in the past (remember Leo and Alex? Yeah.).

Eww. Confusion sucks. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a sex slave. I'm not good with emotions. And I hate the term "boyfriend" being applied to my current love interest. I don't want love. I want sex and friendship. And I don't need them to be from the same person.

~~tee

AAAAAAH!

I feel like SCREAMING! I need SEX! I need to GET LAID! I need to feel some random hot guy (no name necessary) thrusting into me!

Ahem. That was graphic. I apologize.

But as soon as kids hit puberty, their head starts sending hormones to other fun parts of the body. And as puberty goes on, those hormones go fucking NUTS. As I am well into adolescence by now, said hormones are screaming at me, and I have no desire to not heed to their will. I want IT. I want a guy to want me so much he can't help himself. And i want a crazyhot night of wild, animalistic fucking to take place. Then I want to leave and find another guy.... ooh. I get tingles just thinking about it.

You know, I read this thing in Cosmo once that said the more you masturbate, the more sex phermones you give off, which makes people want to screw you more. I wonder if it's true. I also wonder if there's incredibly hot man out there looking for a kinky brainiac like me to release his lust upon. He could tie me to the bed... Ahem.
(But I do miss the whole being-tied-up thing. It's been awhile. And I like it. A lot.)
Nate lost his virginity to Opal this weekend. He's got hickeys all over his neck. Which reminds me of experiences... like with Leo after the Hippy Fair.... or with Alex over Christmas Break.... or with April back in Massachusetts.... or with Jay a long, long time ago. Damn, I was a precocious kid. Hey, I even got Nate to want me once. But that was a long while ago, it seems, and he's in love with Opal. Plus, I don't thing he's a very good lover. I know Leo would've been. He played the guitar, so very skilled fingers. Alex seemed a bit lazy. April I do not want to talk about at this point. Maybe later, when I'm not quite so broken over her. And Jay? That was a mistake. A very nice mistake, but also a very bad mistake. I probably will never mention him again.
Ugh. Past lovers. Never fails to hurt to remember them.

Painfully,
~~tee

Bri- Grapes, "doctor", apples + syrup, mental torture, Chex Mix and vampires. When can I come over for the Mardi Gras project?

Weird.

Leo's ex was behind me in Study Hall, so I talked loudly with Bri about how he wasn't wearing any pants at my house, and how being under the blankets with him "definitely not the worst experience *giggle*". I hope is pissed her off. Getting G. in a fit is one of the few pleasures left to me at this point. Pierre was kissing another girl, so now he's off limits. Nate has a girlfriend, so he definitely is. Alex is unappealing, Oliver is towns away, and Chad is a skanky whore. My house is almost out of food, my room is a mess, and I really should be doing my synopsis and rough timeline for the Science fair. Actually, I should be doing any homework. Anything constructive, besides this. But this is what I feel like doing, so that is that.

The cheering team is running around the cafeteria while blasting "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga through the speakers. Nick is one of these people, the awesome guy, but I still don't understand why they use the caf and not the gym. Whatever. Lena's in the music room, rehearsing for the musical, Sealy, Nate, Alex and I are in the caf mooching off the free net access we get while we're here. Plus, we can avoid chores this way while still having a legit excuse to be here- we're techies for the musical. We don't even actually have to be here until March, but hey.  OOH. Tik Tok by Ke$ha is playing.... thank you cheering DJ. I love this song. Yep, it's trashy and catchy and crappy, but I love it :)

E'rybuddy gettin crunked, boys tryna touch mah junk...... Ha. Trash. Gotta love it.

Oh, and by the way, I'm in love with Lena's brother.

~~tee

Sigh

Pierre is still amazing. My life is getting very screwed up..... Alex is so sweet. Nate is just amazing. I feel like I'm in an imaginary love triangle... I'm pretty sure Alex is still in love with me. And I know I'm still in love with Nate. But Pierre is so gorgeous, would be so much better for me, but he barely knows I exist. I'm so confused... I'm Alex's English tutor now, and helping Nate with the musical, and gazing at Pierre  in French class. Bri is not happy with me, because I can't remember something. Chrissy's being awesome, as usual. Lena and I are better. And yet I'm not happy.... there's a secret I have to keep or no one will treat me the same anymore. It's a big thing to keep inside and someday it'll explode out. But I might die first.

I'm in the musical on crew... I'm doing the soundboard with Nate. It'll be fun, I'm looking forward to it.

I have to go do dishes. That was your lil update on my life....

~~tee

Pierre.

Pierre is in my French class, hence the codename Pierre. He's tall and has dark, curly hair. But the very best bit of Pierre's looks is definitely his eyes.
     These eyes are exactly the color of the ocean in Massachusetts on a sunny day, the color that I lived with for eleven years. This is the one color that you can't reproduce, because it's not simply a color, it's a certain degree of light and shimmer and most of all, depth. I've missed this color ever since I moved to this rather rural inland area. I haven't seen the ocean in two or three years, and I miss it so badly! I used to hear the sounds of waves on the beach when I was falling asleep, windows open, in the summer. But it's the color I missed, the way you could simply look at the sea, know you could be hurt in so many ways- horseshoe crabs, jellyfish, riptide- and jump in anyways, laughing. And I can see that color in his eyes!
     Words really can't describe how happy this makes me. Looking at his eyes (not into them, since I don't want him to know I'm looking at him) makes me feel a bit more at home here in this forest. It's comforting. I feel a bit less alone now that I know I'll be able to see a little piece of home every day in him. Plus, the fact that he's incredibly hot doesn't make me want to look away and turn red. He's shy- much shyer than me- and it's cute when I catch him looking at me and he looks away. Maybe his eyes were just wandering, maybe he was looking at me on purpose. I still like it.
   I'm outgoing, and he's not. But I'm very shy with my real feelings. I have to be really comfortable with a guy- as in know him for years- to feel at all comfortable making the first move, and when a friend catches me watching someone and realizes why, I turn bright red. I hate being so transparent with who I'm attracted too, it's so easy to tell who I like even if I try to keep it a secret.

Tessellated,
~~tee

It's kind of funny, this feeling

^
Moulin Rouge reference. For any poor souls who haven't seen this tragic, romantic, and charmingly tacky movie, please do. You'll love it.

     Anyways, it is kind of funny, this feeling inside.... I'm not one who can easily... hide.... sorry, Ewan MacGregor is invading my writing process. I'm listening to his version of "Your Song". It's funny how the less I believe in something, the more I want to. Now that I don't believe in love as some mystical force that guides us to the "right" person, but as chemicals initially and then dependancy, I really want to. I'd love to find comfort in a the pure, childish belief that there will be someone for me when I feel lonely. It's just not that easy anymore, and it's so odd to feel this jaded as a high schooler. Don't people usually wait until they're middle-aged to have a crisis of faith?
      I don't believe in love- the words "I love you" are so overused that they're meaningless. I don't believe in the government- politicians are either too greedy to work for the public's good or too naive to get the job done. Religion has never really made sense to me, I used to vaguely believe in the Christian kind of God, but when I stopped to think about it, that didn't make any sense. I've always strongly valued justice, and what kind of a religion is it where one good man dies to let plenty of evil people get off scott-free as long as they repent? How is it fair that rapists and murderers can supposedly go to Heaven as long as they say sorry, when perfectly good, moral, loving people are sent to Hell because they believed in the wrong imaginary ruler of life, because they were "godless heathens"?
    In truth, all I value is justice, and all I believe in is evil. It's the only thing I've seen truth of, evidence of. Goodness? You can never know if that person is being good for the sake of goodness or for the benefits that can be reaped from that behavior. You know that the man molesting his ten year old daughter isn't doing it for goodness and truth, he's doing it because he values his selfish desires more than her innocence and health. You can't know that the man pulling the little girl out of the way from the bus is doing it because it was right or because he was trying to do good to cancel out some sin of his- being selfish, again. I don't think I've ever seen true selflessness, even in myself. Especially not in myself. I'm not an awful person, but if I'm wrong about religion I sure as hell am not getting an invite to the Pearly Gates.
     I want to die seeing every wrong being righted and goodness being rewarded, I want the world to be the way it was meant to be before someone had the shitty idea to hurt other people for their own sake. And I want to be punished for the bad I've done and rewarded for the goodness. I just want everything to be right.  I want the feeling that maybe there's something to believe in after all.

~~tee

Short

I broke up with Alex. He took it rather well. I'm happier. My grandmother's coming up for the weekend, Nicky was out sick today and I missed him. He placed 4th in his cheering competition, the awesome guy. You go, Nick! Bri decided to give up her sex life. Chad showed up to school high. That's what you missed.

As far as my sex life goes, it's nonexistent. As far as my sex drive goes, it's getting harder and harder to ignore. There's a very attractive guy at school- Pierre- who has me all in a tizzy. I swear, if I don't get some soon I'm going to go nuts. The human drive to screw is made to be irrepressible, and I'd love to succumb to it, but at the moment there's no one willing to succumb with me.

1. Harder To Breathe

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

Unsatisfied, 

~~tee

Choice

SO on the outside, things seem to be going rather well. My grades are okay. I’m not overly moody. My family is at a good point. I have a boyfriend who can’t enough of me. I’m not really at odds with anyone. Life is good, right?

Not so much. My grades are alright as of now, but slipping fast- and also nowhere near where I need them to be to stay in Honors classes. My family is alright, but is known for turning on a dime. The boyfriend? Annoying as hell, and I’m not attracted to him at all. As far as being at odds with anyone goes, I’m not really. But Chrissy's sister is looking like someone who’d be glad to occupy the spot of “Person to bitch about.” 

I slept really well last night, even after watching Paranormal Activity. I passed out straight after saying goodnight to Lena, and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at six.... it was nice. I could’ve easily slept for three more days. I’d be glad to right now, as a matter of fact. It’d be nice to just get away from everything- not that everything is so bad- just to gain some perspective. I’m going to break up with A. I just need to decide when, where and how. I’ve never had to break up with someone before, it’s always been circumstance making the state of affairs obvious. There was never any question of concisely and articulately planning what to tell someone to end something that they had no idea wasn’t working. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but the point of a relationship is to make both people happier than they would be happier than they would be otherwise. And this thing with Alex isn’t making me any happier than I was. As a matter of fact, it’s doing the opposite. I’m not attracted to him, I like being around him but only in a friendly way. Plus, the constant togetherness is wearing on me- there is no single person on this entire planet who I’d want to spend my every waking breath with. I mean, there isn’t even anyone who I’d like to spend an entire day with. Wait. Scratch that, there is one. It just isn’t Alex. 

So there it is. I’m not into him. He’s always there. ALWAYS! If I’m on Facebook, he’s there. If I’m at school, he’s there. Those being my two main ways of interacting with people, you can see why it’s irritating. For God’s sake, we don’t even have anything to talk about other than music and how bored we are. It’s boring. It’s stale. It’s OLD. And he’s so incredibly lazy! I’m sorry, but Nate has more drive. And Nate.... He’s him. I haven’t gotten over him. We’re back on good, friendly terms. No strings attached. I’m glad that we are, but I can’t go for anyone else until I’ve had him or gotten over him. I’m perfectly content with being Nate’s friend. I just want to either have him or my normal life, single life, my life filled to the brim with friends and a bit of exhibitionism. Showing off, acting skanky, laughing hard and not feeling guilty for spending time with my girls instead of my guy. That’s the life I miss. I miss the freedom. And I know Alex’s not who I want. He doesn’t make me happy. He’s not beneficial. And I don’t live him. 

Hard but true-ly-

~~tee

Good?

Down below. That's how it feels. I know I should be happy. But I feel awful. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe it's just all the cold and snow. But I have the feeling that holing oneself up in one's room and listening to the Rent soundtrack for hours on end, wishing to fall into the laptop's screen and just rest until the end of eternity isn't normal- well, normal I don't care about normal. Healthy would be the proper word, I suppose. I guess it doesn't matter the cause, just the effect. I want to sleep and wake up starting over, right from the beginning. I'd like to not feel there be bags under my eyes. I'd like to not need to smile and act happy for everyone. Why can't everyone just leave me alone? Just for a week or so. That'd be nice.


Alex is like a puppy. He follows me everywhere. Tech days for him are the highlight of my week, because it means some time alone with my friends. Sorry, dude, but I'm not like your ex. I have a life of my own and I don't need- or want- you there all the time. There is not a single person on Earth who I'd like to spend my every waking moment with. And I do not like PDA. Not at all. And then there are all my issues with physical contact. I like the guy, really I do. This bit of malfunction in our relationship is all me. But I can't bring myself to like him kissing me, or the feeling of his arm around my waist. To be honest, sometimes his touch is actually repellent to me. I just can't bring myself to enjoy it when I don't love him. I love someone else. I have for a long time. I thought it was simply an infatuation, a crush, but the idea of him touching me... I enjoy that. But not Alex. And I do feel like shit leading him on, but there's nothing I can do about it. All I want is the feel of that other guy's arm around me, the sensation of his lips on mine. There's no real right thing to do here!
OPTIONS
A. I break up with Alex ASAP. He feels like shit for a while. He gets over it. I feel like shit a little, but not much.


B. I keep dating Alex for a little longer, to see if I can get over my hopeless romanticism. If/when we break up, we both feel more shittier than we would in option A.


C. I act like such a total bitch that Alex breaks up with me. Of course, word of my behavior will get around to Man Number Two, decreasing my chances of dating him. But I will get my singlehood back, and Alex won't have to feel like I took away his dignity by breaking up with him.


PLEASE COMMENT WITH ADVICE.


Tearing my hair out,
~~tee

Life? It's good.

As of yesterday, I've been going out with Alex for two weeks. Tomorrow I'm going over to his house for a bonfire. I still like Nate, but we're just friends now- more than I could say a few weeks ago. Lena and Sealy are still going strong. My mother started chemotherapy for her arthritis, and it's already helping. Nate is now dating Alyssa, who we all like. Bri seems to be falling for Chad, just a bit. I don't think even she knows it. Chrissy's spent some time with her techie over vacation and she definitely likes him. Her sister's still a total bitch. My parents no longer seem to be on the verge of divorce, and the heater is being fixed as I type this. Alex is looking forward to me coming over tomorrow- I still need to pick out an outfit, dammit. My favorite tee and jeans reek of cigarette smoke from Bri's house last night, so those are out... I'm sure I can ask Lena for some help picking something out. I'm excited! Alex is so fun to be around. He's sweet, cute (not as much as Nate, but still) and very witty at times. I'll admit that one of the things I definitely enjoy about being with him is how totally and completely enamored with me he is. Being with him... it makes me feel beautiful, special, wanted.  The New Year has started out quite well, aside from nearly burning Bri's house down in the middle of the night, but that's another story. We watched the worlds MOST AWESOME MOVIE EVER: Howl's Moving Castle. The man is so HOT, even though he's an anime guy. Another great movie is Moulin Rouge- it's so tragically romantic, and it's beautifully filmed, so colorful and musical. Plus, Ewan McGregor is so bangable. I'd let him in my elephant anytime. And when I grow up I want to be Nicole Kidman. Just saying.

So, yes. The year is off to a good start. And I will resume blogging! I hope you'll all read :)

love ya!
~~tee