Sigh

Pierre is still amazing. My life is getting very screwed up..... Alex is so sweet. Nate is just amazing. I feel like I'm in an imaginary love triangle... I'm pretty sure Alex is still in love with me. And I know I'm still in love with Nate. But Pierre is so gorgeous, would be so much better for me, but he barely knows I exist. I'm so confused... I'm Alex's English tutor now, and helping Nate with the musical, and gazing at Pierre  in French class. Bri is not happy with me, because I can't remember something. Chrissy's being awesome, as usual. Lena and I are better. And yet I'm not happy.... there's a secret I have to keep or no one will treat me the same anymore. It's a big thing to keep inside and someday it'll explode out. But I might die first.

I'm in the musical on crew... I'm doing the soundboard with Nate. It'll be fun, I'm looking forward to it.

I have to go do dishes. That was your lil update on my life....

~~tee

Pierre.

Pierre is in my French class, hence the codename Pierre. He's tall and has dark, curly hair. But the very best bit of Pierre's looks is definitely his eyes.
     These eyes are exactly the color of the ocean in Massachusetts on a sunny day, the color that I lived with for eleven years. This is the one color that you can't reproduce, because it's not simply a color, it's a certain degree of light and shimmer and most of all, depth. I've missed this color ever since I moved to this rather rural inland area. I haven't seen the ocean in two or three years, and I miss it so badly! I used to hear the sounds of waves on the beach when I was falling asleep, windows open, in the summer. But it's the color I missed, the way you could simply look at the sea, know you could be hurt in so many ways- horseshoe crabs, jellyfish, riptide- and jump in anyways, laughing. And I can see that color in his eyes!
     Words really can't describe how happy this makes me. Looking at his eyes (not into them, since I don't want him to know I'm looking at him) makes me feel a bit more at home here in this forest. It's comforting. I feel a bit less alone now that I know I'll be able to see a little piece of home every day in him. Plus, the fact that he's incredibly hot doesn't make me want to look away and turn red. He's shy- much shyer than me- and it's cute when I catch him looking at me and he looks away. Maybe his eyes were just wandering, maybe he was looking at me on purpose. I still like it.
   I'm outgoing, and he's not. But I'm very shy with my real feelings. I have to be really comfortable with a guy- as in know him for years- to feel at all comfortable making the first move, and when a friend catches me watching someone and realizes why, I turn bright red. I hate being so transparent with who I'm attracted too, it's so easy to tell who I like even if I try to keep it a secret.

Tessellated,
~~tee

It's kind of funny, this feeling

^
Moulin Rouge reference. For any poor souls who haven't seen this tragic, romantic, and charmingly tacky movie, please do. You'll love it.

     Anyways, it is kind of funny, this feeling inside.... I'm not one who can easily... hide.... sorry, Ewan MacGregor is invading my writing process. I'm listening to his version of "Your Song". It's funny how the less I believe in something, the more I want to. Now that I don't believe in love as some mystical force that guides us to the "right" person, but as chemicals initially and then dependancy, I really want to. I'd love to find comfort in a the pure, childish belief that there will be someone for me when I feel lonely. It's just not that easy anymore, and it's so odd to feel this jaded as a high schooler. Don't people usually wait until they're middle-aged to have a crisis of faith?
      I don't believe in love- the words "I love you" are so overused that they're meaningless. I don't believe in the government- politicians are either too greedy to work for the public's good or too naive to get the job done. Religion has never really made sense to me, I used to vaguely believe in the Christian kind of God, but when I stopped to think about it, that didn't make any sense. I've always strongly valued justice, and what kind of a religion is it where one good man dies to let plenty of evil people get off scott-free as long as they repent? How is it fair that rapists and murderers can supposedly go to Heaven as long as they say sorry, when perfectly good, moral, loving people are sent to Hell because they believed in the wrong imaginary ruler of life, because they were "godless heathens"?
    In truth, all I value is justice, and all I believe in is evil. It's the only thing I've seen truth of, evidence of. Goodness? You can never know if that person is being good for the sake of goodness or for the benefits that can be reaped from that behavior. You know that the man molesting his ten year old daughter isn't doing it for goodness and truth, he's doing it because he values his selfish desires more than her innocence and health. You can't know that the man pulling the little girl out of the way from the bus is doing it because it was right or because he was trying to do good to cancel out some sin of his- being selfish, again. I don't think I've ever seen true selflessness, even in myself. Especially not in myself. I'm not an awful person, but if I'm wrong about religion I sure as hell am not getting an invite to the Pearly Gates.
     I want to die seeing every wrong being righted and goodness being rewarded, I want the world to be the way it was meant to be before someone had the shitty idea to hurt other people for their own sake. And I want to be punished for the bad I've done and rewarded for the goodness. I just want everything to be right.  I want the feeling that maybe there's something to believe in after all.

~~tee

Short

I broke up with Alex. He took it rather well. I'm happier. My grandmother's coming up for the weekend, Nicky was out sick today and I missed him. He placed 4th in his cheering competition, the awesome guy. You go, Nick! Bri decided to give up her sex life. Chad showed up to school high. That's what you missed.

As far as my sex life goes, it's nonexistent. As far as my sex drive goes, it's getting harder and harder to ignore. There's a very attractive guy at school- Pierre- who has me all in a tizzy. I swear, if I don't get some soon I'm going to go nuts. The human drive to screw is made to be irrepressible, and I'd love to succumb to it, but at the moment there's no one willing to succumb with me.

1. Harder To Breathe

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

Unsatisfied, 

~~tee

Choice

SO on the outside, things seem to be going rather well. My grades are okay. I’m not overly moody. My family is at a good point. I have a boyfriend who can’t enough of me. I’m not really at odds with anyone. Life is good, right?

Not so much. My grades are alright as of now, but slipping fast- and also nowhere near where I need them to be to stay in Honors classes. My family is alright, but is known for turning on a dime. The boyfriend? Annoying as hell, and I’m not attracted to him at all. As far as being at odds with anyone goes, I’m not really. But Chrissy's sister is looking like someone who’d be glad to occupy the spot of “Person to bitch about.” 

I slept really well last night, even after watching Paranormal Activity. I passed out straight after saying goodnight to Lena, and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at six.... it was nice. I could’ve easily slept for three more days. I’d be glad to right now, as a matter of fact. It’d be nice to just get away from everything- not that everything is so bad- just to gain some perspective. I’m going to break up with A. I just need to decide when, where and how. I’ve never had to break up with someone before, it’s always been circumstance making the state of affairs obvious. There was never any question of concisely and articulately planning what to tell someone to end something that they had no idea wasn’t working. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but the point of a relationship is to make both people happier than they would be happier than they would be otherwise. And this thing with Alex isn’t making me any happier than I was. As a matter of fact, it’s doing the opposite. I’m not attracted to him, I like being around him but only in a friendly way. Plus, the constant togetherness is wearing on me- there is no single person on this entire planet who I’d want to spend my every waking breath with. I mean, there isn’t even anyone who I’d like to spend an entire day with. Wait. Scratch that, there is one. It just isn’t Alex. 

So there it is. I’m not into him. He’s always there. ALWAYS! If I’m on Facebook, he’s there. If I’m at school, he’s there. Those being my two main ways of interacting with people, you can see why it’s irritating. For God’s sake, we don’t even have anything to talk about other than music and how bored we are. It’s boring. It’s stale. It’s OLD. And he’s so incredibly lazy! I’m sorry, but Nate has more drive. And Nate.... He’s him. I haven’t gotten over him. We’re back on good, friendly terms. No strings attached. I’m glad that we are, but I can’t go for anyone else until I’ve had him or gotten over him. I’m perfectly content with being Nate’s friend. I just want to either have him or my normal life, single life, my life filled to the brim with friends and a bit of exhibitionism. Showing off, acting skanky, laughing hard and not feeling guilty for spending time with my girls instead of my guy. That’s the life I miss. I miss the freedom. And I know Alex’s not who I want. He doesn’t make me happy. He’s not beneficial. And I don’t live him. 

Hard but true-ly-

~~tee

Good?

Down below. That's how it feels. I know I should be happy. But I feel awful. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe it's just all the cold and snow. But I have the feeling that holing oneself up in one's room and listening to the Rent soundtrack for hours on end, wishing to fall into the laptop's screen and just rest until the end of eternity isn't normal- well, normal I don't care about normal. Healthy would be the proper word, I suppose. I guess it doesn't matter the cause, just the effect. I want to sleep and wake up starting over, right from the beginning. I'd like to not feel there be bags under my eyes. I'd like to not need to smile and act happy for everyone. Why can't everyone just leave me alone? Just for a week or so. That'd be nice.


Alex is like a puppy. He follows me everywhere. Tech days for him are the highlight of my week, because it means some time alone with my friends. Sorry, dude, but I'm not like your ex. I have a life of my own and I don't need- or want- you there all the time. There is not a single person on Earth who I'd like to spend my every waking moment with. And I do not like PDA. Not at all. And then there are all my issues with physical contact. I like the guy, really I do. This bit of malfunction in our relationship is all me. But I can't bring myself to like him kissing me, or the feeling of his arm around my waist. To be honest, sometimes his touch is actually repellent to me. I just can't bring myself to enjoy it when I don't love him. I love someone else. I have for a long time. I thought it was simply an infatuation, a crush, but the idea of him touching me... I enjoy that. But not Alex. And I do feel like shit leading him on, but there's nothing I can do about it. All I want is the feel of that other guy's arm around me, the sensation of his lips on mine. There's no real right thing to do here!
OPTIONS
A. I break up with Alex ASAP. He feels like shit for a while. He gets over it. I feel like shit a little, but not much.


B. I keep dating Alex for a little longer, to see if I can get over my hopeless romanticism. If/when we break up, we both feel more shittier than we would in option A.


C. I act like such a total bitch that Alex breaks up with me. Of course, word of my behavior will get around to Man Number Two, decreasing my chances of dating him. But I will get my singlehood back, and Alex won't have to feel like I took away his dignity by breaking up with him.


PLEASE COMMENT WITH ADVICE.


Tearing my hair out,
~~tee

Life? It's good.

As of yesterday, I've been going out with Alex for two weeks. Tomorrow I'm going over to his house for a bonfire. I still like Nate, but we're just friends now- more than I could say a few weeks ago. Lena and Sealy are still going strong. My mother started chemotherapy for her arthritis, and it's already helping. Nate is now dating Alyssa, who we all like. Bri seems to be falling for Chad, just a bit. I don't think even she knows it. Chrissy's spent some time with her techie over vacation and she definitely likes him. Her sister's still a total bitch. My parents no longer seem to be on the verge of divorce, and the heater is being fixed as I type this. Alex is looking forward to me coming over tomorrow- I still need to pick out an outfit, dammit. My favorite tee and jeans reek of cigarette smoke from Bri's house last night, so those are out... I'm sure I can ask Lena for some help picking something out. I'm excited! Alex is so fun to be around. He's sweet, cute (not as much as Nate, but still) and very witty at times. I'll admit that one of the things I definitely enjoy about being with him is how totally and completely enamored with me he is. Being with him... it makes me feel beautiful, special, wanted.  The New Year has started out quite well, aside from nearly burning Bri's house down in the middle of the night, but that's another story. We watched the worlds MOST AWESOME MOVIE EVER: Howl's Moving Castle. The man is so HOT, even though he's an anime guy. Another great movie is Moulin Rouge- it's so tragically romantic, and it's beautifully filmed, so colorful and musical. Plus, Ewan McGregor is so bangable. I'd let him in my elephant anytime. And when I grow up I want to be Nicole Kidman. Just saying.

So, yes. The year is off to a good start. And I will resume blogging! I hope you'll all read :)

love ya!
~~tee