Choice

SO on the outside, things seem to be going rather well. My grades are okay. I’m not overly moody. My family is at a good point. I have a boyfriend who can’t enough of me. I’m not really at odds with anyone. Life is good, right?

Not so much. My grades are alright as of now, but slipping fast- and also nowhere near where I need them to be to stay in Honors classes. My family is alright, but is known for turning on a dime. The boyfriend? Annoying as hell, and I’m not attracted to him at all. As far as being at odds with anyone goes, I’m not really. But Chrissy's sister is looking like someone who’d be glad to occupy the spot of “Person to bitch about.” 

I slept really well last night, even after watching Paranormal Activity. I passed out straight after saying goodnight to Lena, and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at six.... it was nice. I could’ve easily slept for three more days. I’d be glad to right now, as a matter of fact. It’d be nice to just get away from everything- not that everything is so bad- just to gain some perspective. I’m going to break up with A. I just need to decide when, where and how. I’ve never had to break up with someone before, it’s always been circumstance making the state of affairs obvious. There was never any question of concisely and articulately planning what to tell someone to end something that they had no idea wasn’t working. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but the point of a relationship is to make both people happier than they would be happier than they would be otherwise. And this thing with Alex isn’t making me any happier than I was. As a matter of fact, it’s doing the opposite. I’m not attracted to him, I like being around him but only in a friendly way. Plus, the constant togetherness is wearing on me- there is no single person on this entire planet who I’d want to spend my every waking breath with. I mean, there isn’t even anyone who I’d like to spend an entire day with. Wait. Scratch that, there is one. It just isn’t Alex. 

So there it is. I’m not into him. He’s always there. ALWAYS! If I’m on Facebook, he’s there. If I’m at school, he’s there. Those being my two main ways of interacting with people, you can see why it’s irritating. For God’s sake, we don’t even have anything to talk about other than music and how bored we are. It’s boring. It’s stale. It’s OLD. And he’s so incredibly lazy! I’m sorry, but Nate has more drive. And Nate.... He’s him. I haven’t gotten over him. We’re back on good, friendly terms. No strings attached. I’m glad that we are, but I can’t go for anyone else until I’ve had him or gotten over him. I’m perfectly content with being Nate’s friend. I just want to either have him or my normal life, single life, my life filled to the brim with friends and a bit of exhibitionism. Showing off, acting skanky, laughing hard and not feeling guilty for spending time with my girls instead of my guy. That’s the life I miss. I miss the freedom. And I know Alex’s not who I want. He doesn’t make me happy. He’s not beneficial. And I don’t live him. 

Hard but true-ly-

~~tee