It's kind of funny, this feeling

^
Moulin Rouge reference. For any poor souls who haven't seen this tragic, romantic, and charmingly tacky movie, please do. You'll love it.

     Anyways, it is kind of funny, this feeling inside.... I'm not one who can easily... hide.... sorry, Ewan MacGregor is invading my writing process. I'm listening to his version of "Your Song". It's funny how the less I believe in something, the more I want to. Now that I don't believe in love as some mystical force that guides us to the "right" person, but as chemicals initially and then dependancy, I really want to. I'd love to find comfort in a the pure, childish belief that there will be someone for me when I feel lonely. It's just not that easy anymore, and it's so odd to feel this jaded as a high schooler. Don't people usually wait until they're middle-aged to have a crisis of faith?
      I don't believe in love- the words "I love you" are so overused that they're meaningless. I don't believe in the government- politicians are either too greedy to work for the public's good or too naive to get the job done. Religion has never really made sense to me, I used to vaguely believe in the Christian kind of God, but when I stopped to think about it, that didn't make any sense. I've always strongly valued justice, and what kind of a religion is it where one good man dies to let plenty of evil people get off scott-free as long as they repent? How is it fair that rapists and murderers can supposedly go to Heaven as long as they say sorry, when perfectly good, moral, loving people are sent to Hell because they believed in the wrong imaginary ruler of life, because they were "godless heathens"?
    In truth, all I value is justice, and all I believe in is evil. It's the only thing I've seen truth of, evidence of. Goodness? You can never know if that person is being good for the sake of goodness or for the benefits that can be reaped from that behavior. You know that the man molesting his ten year old daughter isn't doing it for goodness and truth, he's doing it because he values his selfish desires more than her innocence and health. You can't know that the man pulling the little girl out of the way from the bus is doing it because it was right or because he was trying to do good to cancel out some sin of his- being selfish, again. I don't think I've ever seen true selflessness, even in myself. Especially not in myself. I'm not an awful person, but if I'm wrong about religion I sure as hell am not getting an invite to the Pearly Gates.
     I want to die seeing every wrong being righted and goodness being rewarded, I want the world to be the way it was meant to be before someone had the shitty idea to hurt other people for their own sake. And I want to be punished for the bad I've done and rewarded for the goodness. I just want everything to be right.  I want the feeling that maybe there's something to believe in after all.

~~tee