YES, I do hate you.

Yes, I hate you. I hate all people who get things and then rub it in other people's faces.  Yeah, I'm guilty of it. I've done it. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm fucking sick of it.

I'm poor. Dirt poor. My family spends all our money on house payments, car repairs, heat and groceries. I haven't gone school clothes shopping in four years. Hell, I haven't bought more than three items of new clothing at once in four years! I haven't been to Sixx Flags, or California, or stayed in a hotel. I haven't gone to Martha's Vineyard or Cape Cod. I can't get Aeropostale or American Eagle or Hollister clothes. I can't go to concerts and plays and dances and games and birthday parties.  Why? Because I have no money. I can't AFFORD to go to the mall with you for a day because I won't be able to buy lunch, or a movie ticket, or anything more expensive than a Twix bar! I have NO MONEY. I can't take Driver's Ed, and I won't get a car for my sixteenth birthday, and I can't join the local sports team because I can't pay for the uniform! I won't be able to wear a new dress to my senior prom. I haven't had an actual birthday party since I was eight. All of this costs money, which I do not have. I wear clothes from thrift shops, hand me downs from my cousins and my brother. All my summer shorts? Made from jeans I had to cut because they didn't fit anymore, and then I have to spend the sumer praying for my grandma to buy me some new ones or I'll have to wear a skirt the rest of the year. I use generic shampoo and generic toilet paper and I drink generic soda and I eat store-brand cereal and cookies. I haven't had a brand new pair of shoes in four years. Last time I had a manicure I was nine.

I can't go to the concerts and plays and malls. And do you know how embarrassing it is to admit that? To tell my friends every time they have an idea of something to do "Guys, I can't. No money, remember?" To wear the same clothes, that are steadily getting shabbier, year after year?  To say, when everyone's talking about what they did over vacation, that I just stayed home, maybe slept over at Bri's a time or two? It's humiliating. And I hate it. Especially when everyone's talking about how Blahblah went to Florida and Shalala went to California and Deedeedee went to Switzerland.

I hate it.
~~tee

Um. Awkward? Possibly.

I'm trying not to be narcissistic. This may sound like it is.... but it's simply intuition.
There's this guy. He's a friend. Not a close friend, but we have a few inside jokes, and we're silly with each other. He moved a year or so ago, and I miss him. We're Facebook friends. We talk on occasion. And we make silly comments on each other's posts.
Today, I wrote a post in French, and it said something like "I'm going to act like a ditz and post it on here, cuz, like, everything is waaaay cooler in French, so I'm going to, like, post it in French, so I can sound like a smartie for once! Yay!"
The friend used an online translator, translated it, and said something along the lines of "Ha! Your plan has been foiled with the help of Google Translator!"
Then he posted something in Spanish, the language he's taking. I translated it and it said "Yes, today was fine, but ... Nothing special happened, I mean I loved still ignored me ... And I really do not think she will get it through your thick skull that I love...." 
that's how the online translator translated it. And since he posted it not even 30 seconds after talking to me, and also in another language, I have a feeling it's about me. Maybe I'm just creating drama. Oh well. It's kinda what I do. 

But I like him, in a friendly way, and I don't know if I should go out with him (assuming he offers, which is a conceited assumption) because I would not want to ruin that. Plus, dating friends hasn't worked out in the past (remember Leo and Alex? Yeah.).

Eww. Confusion sucks. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a sex slave. I'm not good with emotions. And I hate the term "boyfriend" being applied to my current love interest. I don't want love. I want sex and friendship. And I don't need them to be from the same person.

~~tee

AAAAAAH!

I feel like SCREAMING! I need SEX! I need to GET LAID! I need to feel some random hot guy (no name necessary) thrusting into me!

Ahem. That was graphic. I apologize.

But as soon as kids hit puberty, their head starts sending hormones to other fun parts of the body. And as puberty goes on, those hormones go fucking NUTS. As I am well into adolescence by now, said hormones are screaming at me, and I have no desire to not heed to their will. I want IT. I want a guy to want me so much he can't help himself. And i want a crazyhot night of wild, animalistic fucking to take place. Then I want to leave and find another guy.... ooh. I get tingles just thinking about it.

You know, I read this thing in Cosmo once that said the more you masturbate, the more sex phermones you give off, which makes people want to screw you more. I wonder if it's true. I also wonder if there's incredibly hot man out there looking for a kinky brainiac like me to release his lust upon. He could tie me to the bed... Ahem.
(But I do miss the whole being-tied-up thing. It's been awhile. And I like it. A lot.)
Nate lost his virginity to Opal this weekend. He's got hickeys all over his neck. Which reminds me of experiences... like with Leo after the Hippy Fair.... or with Alex over Christmas Break.... or with April back in Massachusetts.... or with Jay a long, long time ago. Damn, I was a precocious kid. Hey, I even got Nate to want me once. But that was a long while ago, it seems, and he's in love with Opal. Plus, I don't thing he's a very good lover. I know Leo would've been. He played the guitar, so very skilled fingers. Alex seemed a bit lazy. April I do not want to talk about at this point. Maybe later, when I'm not quite so broken over her. And Jay? That was a mistake. A very nice mistake, but also a very bad mistake. I probably will never mention him again.
Ugh. Past lovers. Never fails to hurt to remember them.

Painfully,
~~tee

Bri- Grapes, "doctor", apples + syrup, mental torture, Chex Mix and vampires. When can I come over for the Mardi Gras project?

Weird.

Leo's ex was behind me in Study Hall, so I talked loudly with Bri about how he wasn't wearing any pants at my house, and how being under the blankets with him "definitely not the worst experience *giggle*". I hope is pissed her off. Getting G. in a fit is one of the few pleasures left to me at this point. Pierre was kissing another girl, so now he's off limits. Nate has a girlfriend, so he definitely is. Alex is unappealing, Oliver is towns away, and Chad is a skanky whore. My house is almost out of food, my room is a mess, and I really should be doing my synopsis and rough timeline for the Science fair. Actually, I should be doing any homework. Anything constructive, besides this. But this is what I feel like doing, so that is that.

The cheering team is running around the cafeteria while blasting "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga through the speakers. Nick is one of these people, the awesome guy, but I still don't understand why they use the caf and not the gym. Whatever. Lena's in the music room, rehearsing for the musical, Sealy, Nate, Alex and I are in the caf mooching off the free net access we get while we're here. Plus, we can avoid chores this way while still having a legit excuse to be here- we're techies for the musical. We don't even actually have to be here until March, but hey.  OOH. Tik Tok by Ke$ha is playing.... thank you cheering DJ. I love this song. Yep, it's trashy and catchy and crappy, but I love it :)

E'rybuddy gettin crunked, boys tryna touch mah junk...... Ha. Trash. Gotta love it.

Oh, and by the way, I'm in love with Lena's brother.

~~tee