Good?

Down below. That's how it feels. I know I should be happy. But I feel awful. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe it's just all the cold and snow. But I have the feeling that holing oneself up in one's room and listening to the Rent soundtrack for hours on end, wishing to fall into the laptop's screen and just rest until the end of eternity isn't normal- well, normal I don't care about normal. Healthy would be the proper word, I suppose. I guess it doesn't matter the cause, just the effect. I want to sleep and wake up starting over, right from the beginning. I'd like to not feel there be bags under my eyes. I'd like to not need to smile and act happy for everyone. Why can't everyone just leave me alone? Just for a week or so. That'd be nice.


Alex is like a puppy. He follows me everywhere. Tech days for him are the highlight of my week, because it means some time alone with my friends. Sorry, dude, but I'm not like your ex. I have a life of my own and I don't need- or want- you there all the time. There is not a single person on Earth who I'd like to spend my every waking moment with. And I do not like PDA. Not at all. And then there are all my issues with physical contact. I like the guy, really I do. This bit of malfunction in our relationship is all me. But I can't bring myself to like him kissing me, or the feeling of his arm around my waist. To be honest, sometimes his touch is actually repellent to me. I just can't bring myself to enjoy it when I don't love him. I love someone else. I have for a long time. I thought it was simply an infatuation, a crush, but the idea of him touching me... I enjoy that. But not Alex. And I do feel like shit leading him on, but there's nothing I can do about it. All I want is the feel of that other guy's arm around me, the sensation of his lips on mine. There's no real right thing to do here!
OPTIONS
A. I break up with Alex ASAP. He feels like shit for a while. He gets over it. I feel like shit a little, but not much.


B. I keep dating Alex for a little longer, to see if I can get over my hopeless romanticism. If/when we break up, we both feel more shittier than we would in option A.


C. I act like such a total bitch that Alex breaks up with me. Of course, word of my behavior will get around to Man Number Two, decreasing my chances of dating him. But I will get my singlehood back, and Alex won't have to feel like I took away his dignity by breaking up with him.


PLEASE COMMENT WITH ADVICE.


Tearing my hair out,
~~tee