As of Now

Okay, okay. I know I was never ever ever going to post again, but I just can't resist. I'd keep a diary, but it seems useless to write unless someone other than you will read it, hence the blog, so there you have it.

I went into my OmniDazzler program today, and went to the Comic setting. It was study hall, and I was bored. Anyway, I was looking at it and saw that the settings it was left on were the ones Leo had set it to: If I clicked the button to make it go off, the words that would appear would be "LEO IS AWESOME I LOVE LEO'S YUMMY BANANA". And I know it's weird, but (duh) it reminded me of him, and it made me sad. I mean, before we went out for that exceedingly minimal amount of time, we were friends. He made the best dirty jokes, he was cute, and he was fun! And I was much too hard in my judgement of his personality after we broke up. He's a good guy, and I miss him. Who knows what would have happened if his parents didn't do what they did? Maybe I would've gotten over my initial awkwardness. Maybe something amazing would have happened, maybe something horrible would have happened, but I'll never know. And if you know me, you know the one thing I can't stand is not knowing something, being kept out of the loop. And I really do wish that he and I had gotten a chance.
     As of right now, he's going out with Jenny and has been since a week or two after we broke up. I still am not going out with anyone. And even though it's not necessary- hell, with my focus it'd probably be straight-up bad for the other areas of my life (aka SCHOOL)- it's still lonely. The Beatles had it right. One is the loneliest number. And as of now, that number is me.

I don't like this. I don't like to feel like I can't make myself happy, that I can't be content by myself, but it's the truth. As much as I'd like to convince myself otherwise, it's the truth. And if I'm not happy, then I'm.... not happy. And I don't like that.

Quote of the day- "The way I'm living makes you feel like giving up, but you don't.... The world has it's shine, but I'd drop it on a dime for you."
-Cobra Starship

Wanting to cry,
~~tee